internet husbands

“I can fix that for you. They have websites now — I can write one down for you, if you’d like.”

A sweet offer….if the person offering to recommend a website was talking about a recipe I needed. Or a book I was looking for. Or information for a research paper.
But she wasn’t.
She was speaking of solving my problem.
She was talking about me finding a husband.

Before I go any farther, let me say that I was not offended by it in the least…..this whole conversation actually made me want to laugh….

Maybe I should back up and set the scene: It’s 8:00 on a Saturday morning, and I am sitting in the middle of the second soprano section of the choir I am singing with in February of next year. I have a younger woman sitting to my right, maybe in her early thirties. I have an older woman sitting to my left…maybe in her late seventies.

Younger Woman is talking to me. Asking me questions about my life in general, and my married status in particular. To be fair, I am one of the youngest members of this choir. Actually, I am the second youngest. The first youngest is a year or so younger than I am, and on the other side of the room. We’ve already run the gamut of questions. She already knows that I graduated in 2014, that I was home educated, that I am 21, that I chose not to go to college in favour of staying at home and learning from my mother, that I am the oldest of eleven brothers and sisters, and that I attend a small baptist church. There really was only one question left to ask. And she asked it.

“So….do you have a boyfriend? Ever been out on a date?”

I explain that no, I do not. And no, I have not. That I am keeping myself and my emotions as pure as possible for said husband, whenever and if ever the Lord sees fit to bring a man into my life for such a purpose.

And then she says what I never expected to come out of anyone’s mouth.
I mean never.
Never, ever, ever.

“I can fix that problem for you. They have websites now — I can write one down for you, if you’d like.”

Like I said….sweet. If she was helping me to find out how long to fry a chicken =)

Before I could un-blush my face and un-stick my tongue to answer her kind question, the older lady to my left answered for me.

Now this lady was prim and proper and looked extremely elegant….and I was taken aback by what she said. And how she said it.

“A husband off the INTERNET! No, she won’t!” (patting my leg) “That’s all right dear, I wouldn’t look online. I wouldn’t marry no INTERNET HUSBAND! Wouldn’t trust one of them to carry my shoe!”

As both women began to talk over and around me about finding a husband online, and the pro’s and con’s of it all, I could only do one thing: focus on controlling the absurd urge to giggle that was rising in my throat.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. If I had opened my mouth I would have burst out in an uncontrollable fit of giggles, that I wouldn’t have been able to explain. I would have turned redder than I already was, giggled harder than I would like to in public, and not have had any explanation to give at all.

I should be used to these questions….I have been asked everything from why I am not in college, to why I still live at home, to what I want to do with my life.

The closest question I’ve ever gotten about why I am not married is people wondering out loud how I will ever meet a guy if I am not in college. (answer: if the only reason I am in college is to find a husband, then that is one expensive husband!)
But never has anybody expressed so much interest in fixing my “problem” of still being single.
And NEVER have I had anyone offer to help me run a google search for one =)

So….the million dollar question: Would I ever resort to searching online to find a husband?

First — I must ask myself…..is being single that big of a problem? And I must answer “no” because it’s not. Because I believe with my whole heart that Christ has a plan for my life. Whether that includes being single for ten more years, or getting married in ten weeks, it is all in His will. Christ has a work for me to do, right now and right here. As the catechism I have learned states, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever,” and I can do that now, as a single twenty-one year old. I can do that if I am single at thirty or forty. And I can do that as a married woman at twenty-five. And for some reason, looking to an online website to solve that problem that is non-existent in the first place seems a little bit like going outside of His will, to fix a problem that wasn’t really a problem at all. Did ya follow that one? ;-)

Second, I must ask myself……why do I want to get married so much that I am willing to fix something God doesn’t view as a problem? I have actually known families who believe that early marriage is the epitome of success for their children. That singleness determines failure. A lower spiritual state. I believe differently……that marriage has nothing to do with spirituality. That marriage is for one purpose alone: to further the Kingdom of God. To raise children in the teaching of God’s word, to work together as man and wife to bring glory to Christ through the representation of the union of Christ and the church that we see through marriage.

Thirdly, what’s wrong with an ‘internet husband’ anyways? Well, I have many possible answers for that one. Ever noticed that you can hide who you really are through online interaction? That your friends in real life sound, look, and act different on the internet? See, you can hide anything you want to online…..especially if you are trying to impress a certain someone favourably. You can’t really get to know someone in the ways that hard work, late nights, and just plain ol’ hanging out together and being friends allows you to. There are too many ways to hide who you truly are….and I have seen many people go through struggle after struggle that never would have happened if they had waited for the Lord’s timing. I have also heard from a friend that internet dating site, courting sites, and just husband-finding site in general deal with your outer appearance. What you look like. What you do. How much money you make. They never get down to the deep questions of who you are. What you think about. What your relationships with your parents/siblings/church family looks like. What your character is. And personally, I would rather marry a guy that has a good relationship with his family, loves little children, is a strong Christian willing to lead his family in the worship of God, with a good character that others can vouch for, than to marry that tall cute guy with the wavy hair and that grin that makes your legs go all weak-kneed (if that’s even a word!) On a different note, I do know of a young couple who met online. They were working on a project editing a book together; neither were looking for a spouse, and they ended up married later that year. Additionally, as a young lady, I am not responsible for finding a husband — I think it is a mans responsibility to find a wife and pursue her. To initiate anything as the biblical head of the relationship and future home. And going google shopping for some man to fit the bill seems an awful lot like being the initiator to me :P

An interesting conversation starter, that one question was. A good thought provoker. A nice laugh in the middle of preparing for a hurricane to make landfall and watching the weather to know what to do…since we are kinda far inland for too strong of a hurricane/tropical storm to hit very often. A good diversion to write about as weather is getting worse and good ol’ Nate makes his presence known by throwing tornadoes in paths that are eerily close to friends homes….And did I mention that I am an introvert anyways? That I have trouble having conversations with those I don’t really know? How’s about that for stretching my 10% extroverted self? =P

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8 comments

  1. Liberty says:

    Kaitlyn, this is priceless!! I have not had such a fantastic, healthy, extended bout of laughter since a peer asked me what in the world a homemaker is! (I waited to laugh till after our conversation was over, btw.)

    I would have been struggling with suppressed giggles too if two ladies were having that conversation on either side of me! :) Too funny!

    In all seriousness, I love the point about those who are going to college to look for a husband . . . that’s one expensive husband! So true, and I’m so glad I’ve decided not to go to college.

    • Kaitlyn S. says:

      Wow — someone asked you what a homemaker is? I’ve gotta say, in all the questions I have been asked, I’ve never heard that one before! How did you ever answer that, if you don’t mind me asking? And do it without laughing??? I think I would have been in stitches by the time that was over :D

      The husband-from-college has to be the most frequent comment/question I get. And I actually heard someone tell someone else the other day (I was eavesdropping and knew neither party) that they were going to college for a M.R.S. degree. I was surprised by that one, too =P

  2. Leona Ruth says:

    Kaitlyn, the more posts that I read in your blog, the more I agree with everything you are saying. :) It’s amazing how much we have in common is so many areas… even though you are eight years older than me. I appreciate how you take a stand for things that many people are likely to look down on you or argue with about. :)

    • Kaitlyn S. says:

      Thank you for this encouragement, Leona! I realized what a controversial topic this was after I published it :D I have noticed while reading your blog that we have many things in common…that is one reason I am so excited about Radiant Hearts =)

  3. Mrs Shev - The Dixie Songbird says:

    Please don’t totally discount dating websites! :D I am **so** thankful for the Lord’s working in uniting my husband and I through a dating website for Reformed singles. God has given us an amazing gift with technology- though it can be used for evil like so many other things, I’m thankful that He used it for my good and His glory! (and for my family to have met the rest of your family- even Facebook can be used for good! ;) ) ~Courtney

    • Kaitlyn S. says:

      Yes, I totally agree that the internet can be used for good as well as evil! God can work through online sites, orchestrating meetings and marriages — obviously that was the plan God had for your life :D While I was writing this I was thinking more on the sad fact that so many in our church culture view singleness as a problem that needs to be fixed — as a single young lady, it is difficult to keep my thoughts centered on Christ, trusting in His plan, when I am constantly told that singleness is a problem that I need to fix. Right now, it is apparently what God has ordained for my life, and I won’t change that by fretting, pining, or daydreaming. I can better glorify Him by focusing on Him and His Word than by considering every guy I meet as marriage material =)

  4. Online Wife says:

    Both my husband and myself are Christians, and will be celebrating our first year of marriage in just a couple of weeks. We met online. When we met in person after talking virtually for a couple of weeks, we realized we’d actually met years before and we only lived 10 minutes apart from each other. Yet, until we were matched online, it was as if neither of us existed to the other. I believed from the first date and still do to this day that God used that website to bring us together because we were so close to each other but so far from being able to find each other. Yes, people can hide behide the anonymity of the internet, but that doesn’t mean everyone on it is dishonest. Besides, people can present themselves falsely in person too, so that’s not just an internet thing. God works in many ways, and joining a website to see if you can meet someone is not the equivalent of being unwilling to wait on His timing. Sometimes He leads us to do things, engineers the way we can connect to others, but we must take the final step of going into the building to meet them or signing in online to see who’s there. The world and it’s technology are ever changing, and it’s naive to think that the Lord can’t use technology to do His work. And where in the Bible does it say a woman can’t seek out her soulmate and companion? Why must she wait for him to come to her? There’s a huge difference in actively looking for the man God made for you and throwing yourself at men in the hopes that one sticks. No one should judge someone on how they met their spouse. God has no limitations, and if He wants to bring you together through a website, through a coffee shop, through a fender bender, or any other way, He can. Insinuating that it’s againt God’s will to look for love, one of His greatest gifts to humans, is a great way to come off as judgemental. Humans crave love because it’s God’s will for us to find the soulmate He made for us. It’s not a sin to want to be loved, to want that connection. Please rethink how you say things. I’m not less of a Christian than you because I met my husband online or even because I sought out love. God loves all His children equally, no matter how they meet their spouse.

    • Kaitlyn S. says:

      Somehow this comment was placed in the spam section, so I am just now seeing it =)

      First, I am sorry I came across as being judgemental — it was not my intention. I do not think I am more of a Christian than you because of how you met your husband — trust me, I live with myself and my sinfulness day after day and I KNOW how much I need Jesus as my Saviour! And I am talking about Biblical things that God finds sinful, not my personal convictions or yours.

      See, I don’t think it is a sin to meet a husband online. Yes, God can use many various and sundry ways of bringing two people together — I have friends who have met online, met from rear-ending each other in a whole different state, and randomly visiting a church. Is this something I would ever do? Most likely not, because of everything I have already written.

      I also don’t think it is a sin to want to be loved, to want to be married, to long to find a soulmate to share your life with. As a young lady, I do have dreams of a home of my own. I do long for love, for marriage, for children of my own to raise for God’s kingdom — and those feelings aren’t sinful. We do have to be careful of what we do with those feelings, though. They become sinful when I dwell on them instead of God. They become sinful when I make them an idol in my life and allow them to affect the singular purpose God has given each one of us: to glorify Him. I can’t glorify Him when I am fretting over the season of life He has me in right now, when I am worried over being single, when I am constantly dwelling on this eligible man or that cute guy, when I can’t rest content in His plan for my life. And that is what I had hoped my writing would show — the absurdity of thinking that I have a problem because I am still single. Obviously this is part of God’s path for my life right now, and I think that the constant emphasis in our church culture of singleness being something we need to fix is something we need to beware of. I have heard people exhorting others to be content, to trust God’s timing, and in the same breath lament the fact that so-and-so is still single and we need to fix that for her. Speaking from experience, it is extremely hard focusing on God’s will for my life when I am constantly bombarded by people wanting me to fix something that God has ordained. I would have written about this incident if this lady had never mentioned internet dating sites, and instead told me she knew a young man and would give me his information — because she still would have been trying to fix something that God doesn’t view as a problem.

What are your thoughts?