Musings

these fleeting moments…..

There have been many busy days for our family. I have had many late nights, and have been living off of coffee :-)

My sister is getting married in a few days.

Today my younger sister and I worked at making the wedding cake. This week I decorated the cookies. Tonight we helped set up for the rehearsal dinner. Last night we girls went out to dinner with Tim and Bethaney, for the last time before the wedding. I have been practicing the wedding songs as much as time will allow. Today Dad traveled several hours to be at the airport when the preacher who had traveled over 3000 miles to officiate the wedding of his spiritual son arrived. Our church family prayed him here, and his church sent him here, and it was a blessing to see him reunited with this church family. We had heard so much about this man of the faith, and to finally get to meet him was an honor.

It’s all so real. There’s for really going to be a wedding in our family.

This is cause for rejoicing, and I do. Wholeheartedly. But I may have mentioned a time or two on here that I hate change. And this, my friends, is a huge life change. So I am going to be open and honest and transparent and real. Perhaps writing will help me sort it all out, seeing my thoughts in rows of black and white will cause them to make sense of it all and I can get through the wedding without crying.

Because the last thing I want to do is cry during the wedding.

We are a close family, a family that has practically no secrets with each other. We know at a glance if someone is upset, or happy, or scared, or has been crying. Even when it has been denied, we know. We are a family that tries to spend time together. To talk with each other. To pray together, to sing together, to work together. We gather around the dinner table, and we spend time with each other.

My sister will be leaving us, and for the first time, our home circle will never be the same. Granted, it will have another person added to it, a person that we all love to pieces. We know him so well, and he is a dear friend who is already thought of as a brother.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

When they are at their house, an hour away, our home will have a large, gaping hole.

My sisters loyalties already belong to him. My sister already looks to him for protection, for comfort, for confidence. And that is just as it should be. But it is hard, knowing she is leaving us.

I have so many emotions going through my heart and my brain right now…. I am living an emotional roller coaster. Happy emotions, ecstatic emotions, that are so strong they make your eyes leak tears, and make your throat choke up. They make you laugh, and squeal and blabber nonsense. Those melancholy ones caused by things remembered and an unknown future.

I have also come to realize why the majority of work for a wedding belongs to the brides family.

In my humble opinion, it’s because the work and the planning and the shopping and the decorating keep you busy. It keeps your mind occupied by the anticipation, and you forget about the separation that is coming soon.

Our minds are all in a muddle over executing the wedding plans. Over cakes and colours and flowers and cookies and invitations and decorations.

I want it all to slow down.
I want to be able to cherish these last few days with my sister, while she still shares our last name and not his.
I want time to slow down.
I want time to go backwards, to when we were little girls and neither of us wanted to leave mommy or daddy and get married.
I want to go back to the springtime, when we were in the garden talking for hours, about nothing.

I feel like Jo March, in Little Women, when she sees Meg and John together for the first time that Christmas their father comes back from the war, and she wonders why people have to grow up and get married and leave.

I have realized that I need to slow down and cherish the moments I have been given. Our leaving is a natural part of life; it’s the way God intended. One day, it won’t be our whole family here. One day I will more than likely be bidding farewell to other siblings who are marrying, or moving away. One day it might be myself who is leaving a hole in the family circle.

And I want to spend moments with them that we will both cherish for a lifetime. Make memories that we will share with our children, that we can laugh about together in twenty years.

I am looking forward to seeing what the next step will bring, what the next chapter of my family’s story will be. I walk this path with joyful trepidation, with steps that are shaky and unsure, afraid of the unknown, yet anxious to see what lies beyond the next bend.

I am striving to look forward to the future, and praying for grace for whatever may come.

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I am a 22 year old young lady who is redeemed and saved from my sin only by the grace of God. A bibliophile at heart with a love of history who desires to see the Word of God practically applied to all aspects of our daily lives -- in our homes, in the grocery store, in the political realm. I strive to put my jumbled, chaotic thoughts down onto paper -- reducing them into black and white rows, letters, sentences. Into some semblance of sanity. And I share them here with all of you, where I can challenge you, make you think, and cause you to ask questions. I am the oldest of eleven children living the country life in the deep south.

9 Comments

  • LibbyMay

    Thank you for your honesty in this post Kaitlyn. The uprooted unsettled feeling of change is something I can relate to and it’s so good to be reminded to cherish the time we DO have and just to live in the present. Change is not bad, even most of the time it’s not bad, but it’s not easy. That’s why there is so much comfort in knowing that God Himself is unchanging. <3

    My Blog: Geoturtle.com

  • Shannon

    Isn’t it interesting how joyful moments and difficult moments are often so deeply intertwined? It’s definitely true that things will never be the same. I remember feeling similarly to this (happy for her, but like I was losing her) when my best friend got married many years ago. It is part of life, though, and God uses experiences like these help shape us into the people we are.

    • Kaitlyn S.

      It is interesting how those special moments are the ones with mixed emotions! Thank you for reminding me that God uses these experiences for our good! Even in the few weeks that have passed since my sister has married, I can definitely see how this can be used in so many ways…but it’s still hard. You summed it up perfectly — I am SO happy and excited for my sister, but I also feel like we’ve lost her in so many ways.

  • Tracy

    Praying for you, sweet Kaitlyn. I know all these emotions you are feeling…especially that change part. <3 May the Lord comfort your heart. We are excited for your family and have been praying for all of you each evening since your mom told me.

  • Leona

    I can’t imagine what it would be like to “lose” one of my siblings (not really lose, but still…)! Lately, I’ve been thinking about making more time for my siblings, making them my best friends, and how we really don’t know how much time we will have with them, and this post helped reinforce that. Thank you for sharing! <3 <3

    • Kaitlyn S.

      “Lose” is a good word for it! Not really, I guess, but feelings and emotions get in the way of the truth sometimes :D I would definitely encourage making your siblings your best friends! Mom calls it a “front porch vision” — when we are all gone and married and have children, will I still want to gather with everyone on the front porch and just spend time together? Will the other siblings want to spend time with me? I can tell you, after this wedding, I am praying and working harder than ever towards that goal. It’s hard, being older, to just make time with the younger ones, but it will be so worth it if my actions ensure that we are permanently best friends!

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