Thoughts, Dreams, and Late Night Ramblings

Here I sit, in the middle of our “construction zone”, a.k.a. kitchen. It is late, and I am tired — exhaustedly so — but too tired for sleep, however that works =D The fans are going, cooling the house, moving the air around. The little ones are all asleep. And my thoughts continue to churn through my mind.

Life is fragile. Did you know that? I have witnessed this fact several times in my short lifespan of 19 years — one day everything is perfectly normal, and the next it’s not. In the hospital, monitors attached, struggling for your very breath, for three weeks. Home for a short visit, then back again. I have seen babies born, only to lie still in a coffin a few short weeks later. I have seen people on the very brink of death being brought by God’s grace to a full recovery.

Life is so unpredictable, if you hadn’t noticed. Nothing is certain. No plans are ever really definite. In a short moment everything can change. I remember well standing with a friend after a tornado had ripped through her land, tearing her house to ruins, scattering all her possessions, and hearing her tell me that there was something that their family had wanted to do the day after the tornado. The day of it, she had asked her father. His response was, “Lord willing.” She was telling me how she had wondered what could stop them, why they wouldn’t go, why he would respond that way. Then, looking at her home, scattered on the ground around her, she said that she understood. Man may make plans, but the God guides our footsteps. In His sovereign will, the family was preparing to bury her father instead of going and doing whatever it was that they had wanted to do. Truly it is “Lord willing.”

It is so important that we know now — right this very minute now — our state of eternal salvation. We may not have a chance to “get right with God” the moment before we die. Do we think that He “owes” it to us — the sinners that we are — to give us one last chance before we die? We may not be coherent. We may die instantly, and be issued into the judgement and wrath of God. We may be quaking in fear at His feet having no intercessor to stand up and plead with the Father for us. No Saviour to save us from our sins. No mercy or grace of God given to us — us who have scorned Him and mocked Him and betrayed Him. Us, who can’t keep even one of His simple commandments without messing it all up if we don’t have His help.

We don’t deserve His grace. His goodness. His mercy. We don’t deserve having Him plan out the paths our feet will walk in. How many, many times have I wanted to move, out into the country, miles away from everyone? How many times have I been discontent because we haven’t had the opportunity? And how glad I am that we have not moved!  How thankful that everything will come in God’s own perfect timing, and while I have complained to friends, my family, and even to God Himself about living where we do, He was waiting for me to wake up and realize that He owes me nothing, and by not fulfilling that wish He has given me the greatest gift of all — the gift of memories made with family members who are growing older. The time spent, the things done together, the times of quiet in their home. A slap in the face, it was, when I realized this fact. I had been griping and complaining, and He had been working behind the scenes to our families greatest benefit…to what would best serve His purpose, and bring glory to Himself.

I wish I could say I will always remember that lesson….but I won’t. I’ll forget. Complain because things aren’t getting done in my time. Wonder if any of my dreams and wishes will ever come true. Because human nature is fickle. Sinful. Arrogantly prideful about knowing what’s best for us and knowing exactly how it should all happen, thank you very much. We don’t “need” a God to get in our way….at least until we are about to die. Until a tragedy happens. That is not how it works! We need God, very much so. We need a Saviour who loved us enough to die for us — willingly obedient — in accordance to the Father’s will. We needed God’s Son — His very Son — to live a perfectly sin free life and be put to a horrible death of crucifixion so we could live in Heaven with Him. We needed him to choose to save us, because we can’t even make that decision on our own. Because man’s nature is such a sinful one, and wants no part of His nature in it’s natural state, before regenerate faith.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were such a thing as a “once and done” lesson? Once learned, never revisited? But that wouldn’t grow us — stretch us in our faith — teach us to trust the providence of God, now would it?  He must test us and try us before we become “full and complete, not lacking anything.” It is all a part of our sanctification.

“When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace all sufficient shall be thy supply,
The flame will not hurt thee, I only design
The dross to consume and the gold to refine”

“The gold to refine” — before we can shine out in pure, perfect, undiluted glory for Him He must test us and try us, put us through the Refiner’s fire, until our sinful souls are polished to reflect back His glory that He has put into them.

Now, I am tired. Maybe this post will make at least a little bit of sense. If not, just smile, laugh at my insanity, and chock it up to exhaustion =}


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